Sometimes I wonder why people have children. No one ever told me how much I would love them. No one told me how much my heart would break when they hurt. No one told me how much fun you could have doing water painting, or that hours could go by building a train set and playing with trains. But then no one told me that too many trains or barbies could also make mama go a little bit crazy!
I remember reading once that you love your children a little bit more when they are asleep. I have to agree. When I see my babies (ha!) sleeping I always promise myself that tomorrow I'll try that little bit harder. I'll be more patient. I'll play that little bit longer with them. Tomorrow we'll all cook dinner together and I won't get cross or frustrated. Tomorrow I'll get it right :)
Also no one ever told me that tomorrow would be gone in a heartbeat and suddenly my baby would be starting school. I also heard that saying, "the hours go by slowly but the years fly by," but I never knew how right it was. I also never knew how hard it would be to let go. To stand back and watch him find his own feet. So very hard. I had no idea that I would want to protect and shelter him as much as I do. I always thought I was raising a resilient and competent child. Turns out I had forgotten about myself.
Anyway, I've been walking through this muddy puddle called life lately and I've been realising just how hard it is. Not only as a parent but as a daughter, a granddaughter, a wife, a woman. I thought by now I would know who I was, and honestly I'm slightly disappointed that most days I still don't even know my own mind. I get so confused and frustrated and just want to switch it all off and stop.
But then I remember the good things, the wonderful things that are out there that inspire me and infuse me with hope and energy and I realise that to shut it off, to run and hide would be impossible. Not to mentione highly impractical. So I go on, walking that fine line of pain and happiness.
But then, this is life, no?
1 comment:
Great Post! I hear ya! Some one in my household today said "I just want to feel like at some point I can have ticked all of the boxes" I disagree with this. There is always more to do, you will always find something to worry about because you have a desire to be the best that you can be. If you were to stop worrying, caring, reflecting... you would no longer be you! So embrace it, feel it and let it inform your carefully thought through decisions. :)
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