My family and other animals...

I have moved into a rhythm of slow days at home around here, which is exactly what I had in mind for my leave. I've enjoyed getting into a routine of house-work throughout the week, cooking and baking, writing and reading. I've also added a few new things to my days.

First of all, I taught myself how to make cotton face masks. As the situation in Victoria and NSW continues to escalate we are facing the need to wear face masks very soon here, so I didn't want to wait until they were mandatory. I used this really simple Youtube video to guide me. 

I have mostly been pleased with the results and glad that I hoarded so many little stashes of fabric over the years! The elastic has been harder to come by (perhaps others have the same idea at the moment!) and the thicker elastic I had to use this week on a second batch of masks wasn't as comfortable. Still, they will do. I plan to send some to my sisters, my mum and my friend in NSW. There are still plenty left over for us too! Once I started they became quite quick and fun to whip up!

Also I have joined two online courses, one through Futurelearn, called 'Short Film in Language Teaching.' This is through the British Film Institute and I am enjoying plodding through at my own pace and taking what ideas are useful for my own teaching.

The second course is a Heritage Teacher Summit, run by a group of US-based Spanish teachers on teaching Spanish to heritage speakers. This group is one that I continually struggle with in my planning and assessment so I'm really looking forward to this course, plus I have access to the material for a whole year. No rush.

Neither one of these courses feels like a chore to me - I enjoy both and when I've had enough I stop and do something else. Perfect pacing and interesting topics are definitely key!

The weather has turned the last couple of days and it is cold! There is snow on the mountains and the wind is icy. Last night we reached -5о so I'm a bit scared to see what has happened to our garden. Hopefully the cabbage and spinach will be protected by the shade cloth. 

The days are sunny though so the animals have been enjoying their run around times:

The two Isas even found a nice dirt bath between the wicking beds!

                         

                         

They are such good layers, we are getting three eggs a day now, which is enough for us and to give away. 

My writing has been slow to start but this week I hit a patch of inspiration and have been spending a lot of time on both the novel and the short stories. Reading truly is the best inspiration and this week I picked up a couple of books on a trip out to Dirty Jane's Canberra, a lovely big warehouse full of vintage and handmade things. I picked up some Agatha Christie (two that I don't have and haven't even read!) and the fantastic "My Family and Other Animals" by Gerald Durrell. 

You may already know the Durrells from the BBC show. The writing is absolutely beautiful in its descriptions and Gerald Durrell paints such wonderful portraits of all the members of his family and the animals that he voraciously studies on the island of Corfu. 

            "Perhaps the most exciting discovery I made in this multi-coloured Lilliput to which I had access         was an earwig's nest. I had long wanted to find one and had searched everywhere without success, so         the joy of stumbling upon one unexpectedly was overwhelming, like suddenly being given a wonderful         present."

Such joy!

There truly is beauty and magic all around us, and now that we have the time, why not take a pause to appreciate it?

What are you going to do?

Yesterday was the last day of the winter holidays, which means that as of today I am officially on leave from my teaching job. I have a wonderful replacement teacher who I have the utmost faith in to carry on with my classes during my leave, so I don't even have to worry about that aspect of my life at all. It is very liberating. These were the first school holidays where I haven't had to think about planning, reflecting on what went well the previous term/year, and assessment reviews. I loved every minute of them. We whiled away the hours playing Banagrams, cooking, gardening, reading and whatever else took our fancy. 

With the current COVID-19 pandemic and the rising cases across Victoria and NSW I am anticipating that we may go back into a lockdown where school is via remote learning. I am so glad that I am at home if my own children need to learn from home, without the added stress of planning my own classes and working with students who are completing year 11 and 12 this year.

                                                                     

I have been asked the question "What are you going to do?" many times since I announced my plans to take leave earlier this year (actually before we went into the first lockdown). Some of these question have been asked in an incredulous tone, which to my ears sounds like "How are you going to survive?" Some have been followed up with suggestions - "Travel? Renovate? Study?" Those who know me very well probably know that I already do a lot of study anyway - I am constantly learning, reading and researching things that take my fancy. Not in a formal 'institution' way, but just a "I want to learn about [insert random topic here ] today" way. I love studying new things, new perspectives on history and historical events, and I especially love taking notes. I have notebooks full of notes (both in paper and in numerous folders on my computer) which I love to read over and add to. I missed my calling as a research assistant, I think.

However, the real reason for my leave isn't one that I have shared very often. It's not very "modern" I suppose, to want to take leave so that I can stay at home. That's all. Just to be at home. To cook, clean, bake and potter around the garden as much as I like.

I have always loved reading Homemaking books and blogs, but for a long time I had to stop because I would get so sad about going to work. Teaching isn't a job that one can commit to "half-heartedly". It is a vocation, and for the last twelve years (since the children were born), my vocation has called me to be at home. So I have gone to work and been committed to my students but my heart has yearned to be at home, 'feathering my nest,' so to speak. 

Not many people like to hear this reason when I answer that question - "What are you going to do?" They are quick to tell me how dull they would find it, or how they could never do something like this. That's okay - I'm not asking them to :)

My sister, a lovely, sympathetic colleague at work (who has become a close friend in the last year) and another close friend are the few people, I think, who have understood my reason to stay at home, just to stay at home. I have no regrets about taking this leave, and refuse to dwell on the fact that next year I will probably have to return to my job. I am looking forward to this time just to do what I need to do to bless my home and my family. 

hands

"my hands are small I know, but they're not yours they are my own..."
From Hands, Jewel

Holding on.

Reaching.

Exploring.

Grabbing.

Letting go.

Touching.

Experiencing.

Muddy.

Creating.

Rubbing.

autumn: as the leaves turn

"For me the most accurate comment on motherhood is that it makes your life twice as bad and twice as good. There is suffering and unsatisfactoriness, but love saves us."
                                                Sarah Napthali Buddhim for Mothers


Autumn has well and truly set in around here and it's not only the positive side of this glorious season that we are experiencing at the moment. Colds and aches have set in.

My six month old baby Tess is back to cat napping throughout the day and wanting to be fed every two hours during the day, three hours at night. Poor little thing is struggling, but then so is her  mother trying to give her everything she needs whilst still have reserves left over for the other three members of the family (not to mention herself :)

Recently we found out that my (soon to be three year old) daughter needs to have her tonsils and adenoids removed. 'Enormous' was how the specialist termed them. When I spoke with my sister-in-law about this, whose own son underwent the same operation many moons ago, she warned me of the way little eyes roll back in their heads and mouths drop open as they go under the anaesthetic. This image was almost enough to have me running to the phone to cancel the operation. Then I remembered the infections and the constant courses of antibiotics that have wracked my poor daughter's body this year alone. I only recently found out when we saw the Eand T specialist the function of the adenoids and tonsils. Apparently they are part of our immune system but when they are 'enormous' as Gaby's are then they become a burden on the immune system. Which is why her body has been unable to fight off the constant infections. So in the long run I know this operation will be the best thing for her. Doesn't mean I don't wish it wasn't necessary. For a child that suffers almost constantly from an internal itch (not to mention the allergies that we do know she has - egg, dairy and peanut) I would do almost anything to alleviate her pain and make her comfortable. I don't know if this operation will help with her scratching but I hope it will. I visited the health food shop and found some immune-boosting tonic (in the form of a German-made juice concoction) for the kids and some echinacea immune boosting vitamins for myself and the Captain. We may be a bit late but I figure it's still worth a try.

Yesterday after a tanturm that involved some serious screaming and body throwing insisitng that she wasn't tired, Gaby then went on to sleep for more than two hours. Bed time was barely affected by this as I am sure we are all suffering from near exhaustion.

Our citrus trees are starting to fruit but they are still quite green. I can't wait for the lemons to ripen as I am in dire need of honey and lemon teas at the moment. My own throat is raw and scratchy, my neck is stiff and sore and the fact that I spend half the night falling asleep in the rocking chair nursing my baby doesn't seem to help.

This first term of school has certainly been a trying one for us all. For a family that had very little in the way of daily stresses we are now tiring under the pressure of getting everyone up and out everyday. And as much as I want to lament those lost days of being at home all day everyday I have to remember that this is simply a new stage, one that is good but that just needs some getting used to. I have lots of time with Gaby throughout the day, learning about her and what she likes to do without being under Nico's shadow. Nico is starting to show signs of missing me, missing our time together as the novelty of kindergarten is starting to wear off.  I make sure we have time for special catch up's each day - practising letters, reading library books from school, colouring in, or reading Enid Blyton's enchanting The Enchanted Wood before bed. There are cuddles and despite the weariness I am constantly reminding myself to smile.

"It also helps enormously to smile as often as possible, especially when you catch yourself worrying." Sarah Napthali, Buddhism for Mothers. For me it's not just when I'm worrying; I make a conscious effort to smile when I'm angry, irritated, frustrated or impatient. Sometimes I manage a big Cheshire-cat grin, others it's merely a Mona-Lisa type smirk. Either seem to help with my overall mood in the moment.

 

 

Autumn brings with it,however, other wonders - a time of staying indoors, preparing for the winter season so to speak. Nico with his love of animals is constantly asking which animals like this sort of weather. We discuss animals such as squirrels and rabbits, bilbies and bandicoots, small marsupials that like to collect their food before the cold sets in. Then we talk about America and Europe where they have such cold winters that no food is to be found on the ground. In the kitchen we make nourishing food like pumpkin soup, roast lamb and Anzac biscuits. The end of the heat of summer heralds a wonderful time of cooking in our house and it is something that I am starting to enjoy more now with Gaby, now that Nico is at school everyday. Just another change in the circle of life. 

So, yes, there is suffering and unsatisfactoriness, especially when illness sets in, but there is still a lot of love and everyday my children teach me more and more about love than I ever thought possible and that is most surely a blessing.

Note: the first two flower photos are taken by lovely sister-in-law.

the spirit of easter

Easter has arrived once again, and I have to wonder where has this last year gone? It also makes me wonder about this time, Easter. We all know that Easter is celebrated as the resurrection of Christ, taking its timing from pagan Spring festivals. But what about those of us in the Southern Hemisphere where Easter coincides not with Spring but with the advent of Autumn? The whole 'new life' metaphor is a bit lost on us down here. So, if chocolate isn't really your thing and Christ's resurrection is a story you don't believe in, what then, would Easter mean for you?

For some people Easter is a lovely chance to have four days off work and get lots of odd jobs done around the house in preparation for Winter (or Summer - depending where you are). The leaves are definitely starting to change colour around here so instead of welcoming the 'new life' we are saying goodbye to summer and hello to beautiful autumn. So, yes in the garden there are lots of things that could be done this weekend. There is also the fact that here in Canberra the change in seasons is so distinct, so it is an especially beautiful time to be outdoors, with cooler days and the gorgeous colours of the turning trees.

As it is also the end of the nice weather a lot of people (from Canberra in particular) head off to the coast to soak up the last few rays before the cold weather sets in. Four days is more than enough time to get away and have a 'mini break' as Bridget Jones would say.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that there are plenty of things to do with the free 'time' that is given to us around Easter, but is there something else, something spiritual we can do, even if we're not religious? In our house we did attend Easter mass but there are many who don't. And I'm not saying that we're more spiritually aware than others simply because we did go to Mass, certainly not. What I am trying to say (rather ineloquently I'm afraid) is has the spirit of Easter touched you this year? We have also been lucky to enjoy delicious meals with both friends and family (and seeing more friends again today).

Have you met with friends and family and enjoyed a nice meal?
Have you slowed down and given consideration to the changing of the seasons, the concept of things dying (or in the garden going into winter hibernation) and the joy of knowing that in a few months they will be coming back to life?
Have you recognised the value of life? How important it is to tell people that you love them, to forgive past hurts and to look forward to the future with a heart and soul unburdened by hate, anger and fear?
Have you hunted for easter eggs in the garden and enjoyed little kids laughing and giggling and tripping over gumboots as they followed big footprints through the still damp grass?
Have you told someone that you love them?
Maybe, maybe not.



But instead of just looking at Easter as an annual long weekend, why not spend some time reflecting on the things that really matter. Just a suggestion. It won't change the world, but imagine if everyone did this, regardless of their religious beliefs. Imagine if everyone recognised this opportunity to look at each other in a new light, as brothers and sisters, as all doing our bit to make this world a good one. I think it could be pretty powerful. The spirit of Easter should be about forgiveness, not punishment, about hope not fear. About love. And hope, love and forgiveness are three things that our world could surely use at the moment. So why not start at home?

Whatever you have done this Easter, and whatever you may believe, I wish you all a very Happy Easter!

no one ever told me

Life has been pretty busy around here lately, some of it good - you know the good bits that you really make you feel happy and alive, other parts not so good. The parts that break your heart and make you wish that you could go back and do things differently.

Sometimes I wonder why people have children. No one ever told me how much I would love them. No one told me how much my heart would break when they hurt. No one told me how much fun you could have doing water painting, or that hours could go by building a train set and playing with trains. But then no one told me that too many trains or barbies could also make mama go a little bit crazy!

I remember reading once that you love your children a little bit more when they are asleep. I have to agree. When I see my babies (ha!) sleeping I always promise myself that tomorrow I'll try that little bit harder. I'll be more patient. I'll play that little bit longer with them. Tomorrow we'll all cook dinner together and I won't get cross or frustrated. Tomorrow I'll get it right :)
 
Also no one ever told me that tomorrow would be gone in a heartbeat and suddenly my baby would be starting school. I also heard that saying, "the hours go by slowly but the years fly by," but I never knew how right it was. I also never knew how hard it would be to let go. To stand back and watch him find his own feet. So very hard. I had no idea that I would want to protect and shelter him as much as I do. I always thought I was raising a resilient and competent child. Turns out I had forgotten about myself.

Anyway, I've been walking through this muddy puddle called life lately and I've been realising just how hard it is. Not only as a parent but as a daughter, a granddaughter, a wife, a woman. I thought by now I would know who I was, and honestly I'm slightly disappointed that most days I still don't even know my own mind. I get so confused and frustrated and just want to switch it all off and stop.

But then I remember the good things, the wonderful things that are out there that inspire me and infuse me with hope and energy and I realise that to shut it off, to run and hide would be impossible. Not to mentione highly impractical. So I go on, walking that fine line of pain and happiness.

But then, this is life, no?

7 things

Here is a list of things I have recently learned, or that I already knew and had forgotten. It started out  as 7 things, then I remembered one more as I went to feed the baby. So technically it's 7.2 things. Or 8 even.

1. Recovering from a caesarian is infitely harder and more painful than recovering from a natural birth. I cannot begin to fathom why anyone would choose this option willingly to avoid the pain of childbirth!!

2. Daily crankiness and patience levels are directly related to the number of hours slept during the night.

3. Spring is good. Warm weathered spring is even better.

4. It is possible to look past fluff and dust on the floor and spots in the shower that need cleaning. I had forgotten that in the last nine months.

5. Nothing beats the smell of a new baby. Except perhaps a new baby surrounded by clean, shampoo-smelling big brothers and sisters.

6. iPhones really are the best. Especially for those long hours alone in the hosptial.

7. Life as a family of five takes some getting used to it, but is definitely, absolutely, without a doubt my favourite stage in life so far!!

7.2 Can you think of anything sweeter than a newborn baby smiling in her sleep? Oh be still my heart. And my uterus.

random

It's been a pretty hectic week around here and I am so glad it's the weekend. Here are a few random tidbits and thoughts that have been crossing my mind lately:

1. we've reached 30 weeks with the pregnancy which means we had planning visit with out obstetrician the other day. He is the same doctor who delivered my other two babies so he's well aware of my history, which is a relief to say the least. The Doctor and I need to decide if we are going to try for a natural birth this time or go for another elective ceasarian. Thankfully our doctor didn't push us either way but calmly laid out the facts (including a very timely reminder of why we actually chose to have the last ceasarian) and said why not wait and see how she's doing at 36 weeks. Seeing as I had no idea what I wanted to do, this idea sounded good to me!!
For those of you who are also grappling with this decision or have done so in the past, I feel your pain! It's not an easy choice to make! Especially if you know there are risks to your baby, beyond the usual ones that go with a VBAC.

2. only four more weeks of work left for me. Hooray!! Don't get me wrong I really enjoy my job and am very grateful to have a teaching job that fits so easily into my life, but I sure am getting tired. And walking up and down that corridor all day long for another cup of tea or a loo break...well let's just say I'm going much slower now!

3. speaking of work, this week has been particularly hard. I may have mentioned before that my teaching job is working with kids who, for a range of different reasons, cannot/could not complete their year 10 at a mainstream high school. So basically we offer an alternative program of study of only two hours a day, in which students (many of whom have missed years of schooling) can have a chance at succeeding. Anyway, as you can imagine these kids come with no small amount of emotional baggage and this week it seems like that baggage was dumped unceremoniously right on my office doorstep. Problem is, I have no training in counselling and have absolutely no idea how to help these kids outside of the classroom. Aggghhhhhh!!!! Very frustrating to say the least. And tiring. And emotionally exhausting. And upsetting. Makes me so grateful that my kids are growing up in a house where they know they are loved and cherished; where education, learning and knowledge are all respected; where they have a range of people caring for them so that they can learn different things from different people (my daughter's Spanish which she learns from her grandmother is coming along in leaps and bounds!); and that they know, that no matter what, The Captain and I will always be there for them. My kids at school, have perhaps one of these things...if they're lucky. And some days that's painfully obvious and naturally heartbreaking.

4. as for my son, he is doing well this week at preschool. They had an excursion to see  the Canberra Symphony Orchestra and my son was absolutely blown away with the double bass!! I was impressed that he could recall all the other instruments that he saw: trumpet, tuba, violin, flute, cymbal and drum!! The Captain is a trained piano teacher so when our kids are a bit older they will definitely be getting some piano training, however if it is double bass that interests them, then why not!!??

5. i have deluded myself that spring has arrived early here in Canberra. This is because this morning when we woke up it was 5 degrees! As in, positive 5! That's a far cry from the minus 6 it was two days ago! And I for one am incredibly glad of it!! This winter has dragged on (perhaps because I've had to find decent, warm clothes to cover my expanding belly) and I'm really looking forward to at least 16 or 17 degree days :) At least it looks like we have a beautiful weekend of us to get out into the garden and do some clearning in preparation for our spring planting. It seems that my intense nesting instincts is moving to the garden rather than in the house. Why not??

6. after having nothing to read for a couple of weeks (and frankly feeling a bit lost because of it!) two books have fallen into my lap: The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan (book one of the Wheel of TIme series) and Across the Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearn. Both are fantasy and both are offering the possibility of being very good reads



7. and finally a big shout out to my older sis who had her first television appearance this week. Congrats Mich, we're so proud of you!!

So that's me in a nutshell this week. What's going on with you??

return of the trains

After yesterday's post we were more than happy at the surprise return of some old friends.

And this time both kids got to enjoy the joy of Thomas. The Captain thinks it stems from the fact that he is reading the big book of Thomas and Friends to them both every night. I think he might be right :)

Simplify

"I practice saying no to keep my life simple, and I find I never do it enough. It's an arduous discipline all its own, and well worth the effort. Yet it is also tricky. There are needs and opportunities to which one must respond. A commitment to simplicity in the midst of the world is a delicate balancing act. It is always in need of returning, further inquiry, attention. But I find the notion of voluntary simplicity keeps me mindful of what is important, an ecology of mind and body and world in which everything is interconnected and every choice has far-reaching consequences. You don't get to control it all. But choosing simplicity whenever possible adds to life an element of deepest freedom which so easily eludes us, and many opportunities to discover that less may actually be more.

Jon Kabat-Zinn: Wherever You Go There You Are: Mindful Meditation in Everyday Life